I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
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If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor