Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution