Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
your honor my client chooses dare
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
okay run it by me one more time
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.