Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
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A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?