If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
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ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal