(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”