It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
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experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
much to think about
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me