Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.