The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup