The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
You Might Also Like
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed