[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
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What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
me doing my best
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
This kid will have a bright future.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.