I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
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Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Pikachu found the lost joint
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people