My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
new shirt idea
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me