very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
How animals would run if they were human
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
buys donuts instead
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb