Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
guys I’m going home
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
This has made my week.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito