I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”