“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Just had my nails done!
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.