*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
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i meant to share this earlier
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I wanna be friends with this person
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
🤣😈🤣
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games