I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Who’s your best friend?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
God has left this place
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything