In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics