“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?