Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
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I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*