You Might Also Like
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
never compromise your values
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.