What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.