Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.