Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.