Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.