My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
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All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL