Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.