*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
$4 #usedbooks
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.