When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”