I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
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Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys