“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
You Might Also Like
Oh my God.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.