I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
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I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Human are so complicated
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear