Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is