The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Bread puns are on the rise!
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?