I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
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Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Barbie gone wild
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this