Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
first you must answer his riddles
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast