If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Whoa 😂
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”