Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
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Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.