Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.