Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
mechanics be like
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.