don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??