I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
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I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
United Steaks of America
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
my professor scared me for a second
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
The Compass
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
what it’s like dating me:
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.