“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.