I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
buys donuts instead
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
the red hot silly peppers
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”