What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I’m confused about plants
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”