We’ve come full circle
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
c’mon!
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
This could’ve been an email.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”