*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
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ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia