Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
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That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Y’all know who you are.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house